The Weight of Invisible Autism: Why ‘You Don’t Look Autistic’ is More Harmful Than You Think

Article Title Image with photo of Cheryl Evans. Generated with the assistance of Canva exclusively for Cheryl.wTf, “The Weight of Invisible Autism: Why ‘You Don’t Look Autistic’ is More Harmful Than You Think”

I really, really hate it when people say, “You don’t look Autistic.” You might be right, in fact, I hope you’re right, but that statement isn’t a compliment, nor is it harmless.

I don’t look Autistic in the way the stereotype dictates, because the stereotype is based on little white boys. I am not a child. I am not male. The stereotype also, often, assums that all people with Autism are low functioning and have a low IQ. I am neither of those either. I also have ADHD. There are common traits of ADHD, such as outgoing, extroverted behaviors that can cancel out, at least situationally, some common Autistic traits such as struggling with eye contact and introverted behaviors.

I have also spent my entire life honing my acting skills so that I don’t “look” Autistic, even long before I knew that’s what it was I was hiding. Recently, I wrote about a sensory meltdown I had, at 4:30am, by myself. That meltdown would not have happened in public. You’ll never see the vast majority of my outwardly visible Autistic traits unless I both trust you enough to let you see them and mostly likely, you live with me.

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I really, really hate it when people say, “You don’t look Autistic.” You might be right, in fact, I hope you’re right, but that statement isn’t a compliment, nor is it harmless.

“You don’t look Autistic” are four little words loaded with implied dismissal, derision, and even outright hostility.

When you say that, I hear, “I don’t believe you and because I don’t believe you that means I do believe you are an attention seeking liar.” I also hear, “I don’t believe you and because I don’t believe you I will deny or even actively prevent you from accessing any support, accommodation, or simply understanding that may make it easier, better, or straight up possible for you to exist in this world with dignity and respect as a fellow human being.”

I really, really hate it when people say, “You don’t look Autistic,” but the alternative, actually looking or acting in keeping with my Autistic tendencies, is worse, far, far worse.

We now enter the catch 22.

The times in my life that I have accidentally looked or acted Autistic in front of people I could not trust with my well-being are some of the most painful social experiences of my life. And I never, ever forget them.

Such as the mantra, “You’re so bossy,” repeated by more peers and adults than I can count throughout my entire childhood because I did not understand that people didn’t care if I was right, they didn’t want to be reminded of the rules they were breaking or be told how to do something, even if the advice was good.

Then there were the untold occasions I’ve been unable to tell the difference between someone flirting with me, and someone pretend flirting in order to tease me. I can still hear the laughter of these guys and their friends when they realized I thought they were serious. I’m sure I’ve missed out on a lot of really great guys who truly were interested in me because since a young age, I just started assuming no one is actually interested. I’m sure I’ve stayed in bad relationships for far longer than I should have because I didn’t believe anyone else would have me. I’ve certainly shied away from meeting new people and participating in parts of public life for fear of encountering social situations that I would not understand and would be ridiculed for my lack of understanding.

Or the time, my then husband pointed out a pricey massager in the store and commented on how much he’d enjoy something like that. I didn’t decern the sarcasm and went back later to get him one for Christmas. Christmas morning comes around and I’m proudly anticipating him opening this really great gift I got him. His response when he opened it, “Why would you get me this piece of junk? I’d never use this. I was joking. This is why you’re terrible at gift giving and should never buy people gifts.” I never again bought him anything that was not specifically on his wish list. I struggled with giving gifts to others for years. I lost all my confidence.

Or how about the time I took a gamble on therapy to help me understand why I was the way I was and how to navigate the world better, only to have the therapist, four sessions in, tell me he couldn’t help me. He promised to be in touch in a few days with a referral to another therapist. I never heard from him again. I didn’t speak to another therapist for over a decade and then it was only because I experienced a sexual assault and just could not process the pain by myself.

I could go on, but you don’t want to live through that any more than I did.

I am sharing my experience to help others like me feel less alone.

I am sharing my experience to help others understand what it’s like to be a high functioning, high (or a least average) intelligence, high masking Autistic individual.

Trust that admitting to a disability or hidden condition is a risk for people with a huge potential for more negative consequences than positive. The odds of someone lying about something like this, while not impossible, are very, very, very low — and to be honest, that liar, is also sick, just not in the way they claim they are.

I really, really hate it when people say, “You don’t look Autistic,” but the alternative…

I am sharing my experience to raise awareness that a person’s disability, mental health condition, or invisible illness is NEVER about you, your perception of it, your experience of it, your annoyance by it.

So stop making it about you.

Stop judging the person walking into a store from a handicap parking spot, with a handicap plate. You don’t have to see their disability in order for it to be real.

Stop telling people “you don’t look sick”, “you don’t look autistic”, “you don’t look disabled”. No one wants to look like any of those things and they don’t need to look like it for it to be real.

Let me just say this one more time, for those in the back.

A person’s disability, mental health condition, or invisible illness is NEVER about you.

I really, really hate it when people say, “You don’t look Autistic.”

The alternative…

“Thank you for sharing that with me. I didn’t know. How can I help or be supportive?”

If you are a neurodivergent entrepreneur and would like help growing and running your business from experienced coaches who are also neurodivergent, then I invite you to join me twice a month in my live business support group: Motivated auDHDer Geniuses in Collaboration: Business Support Group (aka: M.A.G.I.C. B.S.) and Unlock your inner auDHDer entreprenuerial magic. Sponsored by Jes Diverges.

Additional Reading

Sensory overwhelm and Autistic meltdown are not a fun way to start the day. To be honest, it’s embarrassing. Tangled Wires, Tears, read on to find out “How a Heart Monitor Triggered an Autistic Meltdown.”

Discover how my ADHD shapes my productivity and joy. From earning $0.05 on Medium to embracing my unique motivations, this is my journey to happiness.

The pain shot through my arm, lights exploded behind my eyes, as blood flowed where blood didn’t belong. I cried out, aghast that it was possible to feel more pain…Click to continue reading, “Unheard: My Traumatic ER Experience as an auDHDer Woman — When Medical Professionals Fail to Listen”

Hi, I’m Cheryl. On a warm summer day at 42, I realized that I am my own answer to life, the universe, and everything (thanks, Douglas Adams). Like a phoenix, I rose from my life’s ashes, embracing the uniqueness of my neurodivergent brain. It’s these differences that have made me a successful business consultant for over 20 years. Here I am, world, in all my brooding gothy darkness, riding a sparkling rainbow unicorn.

Find me at:

• Cheryl.wTf: Writer, speaker, teacher, artist — my personal brand.
• Business Witch Academy: Helping entrepreneurs weave success magic into their business and manifest abundance through coaching, courses, workbooks, and templates.
• Hexadaisy: At Hexadaisy, Buzz-worthy branding starts here! My self and my youngest troublemaker, er, offspring offer affordable branded products and marketing opportunities for small businesses.

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